When Friendly Turns Toxic: Emotional Intelligence I Wish I Had as a Teen

Hey you,

Being a teen is difficult, I know. If no one’s ever told you this before, let me be the first:

Not everyone who seems nice, is safe. And not every smile means well. You’ve probably heard that if a dog’s tail is wagging, it’s friendly. But those of us who’ve spent time around dogs know better. Sometimes, a wagging tail means excitement. Sometimes, it means nervousness. And sometimes—it means a bite is coming. That’s how I’ve come to see certain human behaviours too.

Toxicity doesn’t always show up loud, aggressive, or obviously cruel. Sometimes it arrives with a smile, a compliment, a soft voice, and a well-timed “just kidding.” Sometimes it masks itself in polite correction, casual sarcasm, or the repeated “innocent” dismissal of your voice.

If you’ve ever left a conversation feeling “weird”—but couldn’t explain why. When someone interrupts, hijacks, or subtly redirects your words, especially in a group. Observe it. If it repeats as a pattern. Don't ignore it—it wasn’t nothing. You weren't just caught up in words. It was a quiet form of control. 

When you sense something is 'off', that is your wisdom knocking. Let it in. Listen to what the person is saying with a smile. Figure out if it leaves you feeling small, confused, or unsure of yourself. See if they are trying to project you in a different light. They might say things like:

There are some people who say:

• “Just being honest…” 
• “You’re too sensitive.”
• “I didn’t mean it like that.”
• “Don’t be so dramatic.”
• “Don’t get caught up in the words.”
• “It’s just a discussion.”

But the way you feel after matters!

So how do you know when ‘nice’ isn’t really nice?

You’ll feel it in your body: Tense shoulders. Tight chest. A gut that suddenly feels off. You may start second-guessing yourself or feel a little dimmer after being around them.

That’s not you being “too sensitive.” That’s your inner compass speaking.

Here’s what I wish someone told me earlier:

1. Trust your feelings—even if the person seems lovely. Energy doesn’t lie. If something feels off, it probably is.

2. You’re allowed to set a boundary.
You can say:
    •    “Hey, I don’t like how that felt.”
    •    “Let’s not joke about that.”
    •    “I need a little space.”

3. You don’t need to explain everything.
It’s okay to step back from someone—even if they didn’t scream at you or do something obviously wrong.

4. Being kind doesn’t mean being available to everyone.
You can be warm, loving, and still protect your peace.

5. You can walk away with love.
Not every boundary has to be dramatic. You can simply choose not to keep giving your energy where it’s not respected.

Final thing:

You’re not too much.
You’re not too sensitive.
You’re just learning how to protect the parts of you that matter most.

And I’m proud of you for that.

Love,
UG