How I found my Ikigai, a highly satisfying life purpose with abundance

autobiographical beyond the obvious Dec 07, 2020
I had to die at 14 to find my Ikigai at 40 by Udumbara Gesu

I was lying on my couch, curled up as if gut-kicked. Unable to pull in a breath. I was gasping at the peak of yet another Asthmatic attack when my mother paused for a moment as if directed by a voice from the beyond she said 'Gesu why don't you try getting out of this disease on your own right now, just try'.

She had been helping me to be rushed to my doctor as none of my regular medicines were working. When we couldn't get me off my feet, I decided to try her suggestion.

 With no strength for outside, I turned inside, as always it was easier. 

The moment I closed my eyes I was transported to an inner landscape of timeless calm. In this inexplicable stillness, I experienced a state of nuclear clarity I cannot fully define, even today. I was beyond the confines of my physical body. Expanded eternally in all directions. I experienced an ecstasy in my being that felt like home.

My disease unpacked its reasons in front of me like someone unpacks a fully loaded lunch box.  

My clarity was so penetrating that I dismantled my disease like a pack of falling cards. 

It felt like hours had passed but when I came about it was only a few minutes. I was healed permanently from Asthma, timidity and self-doubt. 

I began living more in this expanded awareness.

When I didn't have it and there were plenty of growing up moments where I was very far away from this expanded state, I longed for it. My longing was answered by the universe in terms of an education from the beyond. 

 I was drawn to books and masters that introduced me to the layers of consciousness. 

The right books kept showing up! Some were even sent from the US by a friend of my father.

I think I began with the Tibetan book of living & dying and then went on to Tying Rocks to the clouds, The Alchemist and Dr Karl Pribram's Holographic Brain and so on. 

During this phase, I was re-remembering myself anew. As if the ancient me was reminding this teenager me who I was eternally. But the teenager me wasn't easy to appease. She needed validation all the time. She was always wondering if she was imagining this stuff. The universe kept validating the truth and I kept drinking it up. From this time on validation just appeared in terms of books, films, and direct messages from people who spoke without knowing its value for me.

In the non-internet era, the ease with which books and experiences kept me busy was nothing short of a miracle. The work of the masters like Sogyal Rinpoche, Carl Jung, J Krishnamurti, Gurdjieff, Ram Dass, Peale, Osho, Nisargadatta, Herman Hesse, Einstein, Yogananda, Gandhi, Rumi, Maxwell and Amit Goswami to list a few reached me one after the other.

Together they blew away any rigidity or stubborn forms of linearity even before they could take roots in me.  

Tugging along the bylanes of expansion, I bumped into natural ecstasy. At 16, I got drunk on it.

Smack in the middle of my teenage troubles. I got god intoxicated. I was flying without wings. Ecstatic without reason. Grateful without success. Universal benevolence had drenched me.

I was naturally blissed out for 2 weeks before this euphoria began to percolate into my cognitive experience and stayed with me for years to come. 

This is when I tasted ecstatic living and never went back to anything less.

It doesn't mean that I haven't suffered in life. It simply means that natural ecstatic living is my benchmark.

I found my Ikigai. I love what I do. It serves what the world needs, absolute clarity. I get paid honourably for it. And I am excellent at it. This is not an accident or a privilege. It's the result of a journey of cut-throat honesty with myself. To live this honesty, I burn up my own illusions and comfort zones first. I constantly overthrow labels and dogmas that imprison me. To me, courage is to light the fire of truth with my own hands. Even when my hands are trembling.

You were born to find your Ikigai. Don't die without having found it. 


Udumbara Gesu

A fan of your soul & its strength

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